The Fucking Internets | It’s all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy. – D.H. Lawrence

Fucking iPhone

I’ve done it. I’ve finally gone and fucking done it. I have abandoned the Android OS that has kept me in touch with the world both on and off the internets, and I have gone the sheep route and got myself an iPhone.

Now, I won’t take that sheep thing lying down. Apparently the best way to take a sheep is standing up, behind it.

Photo on 11-2-14 at 9.56 PMI’m a Mac user. And since my conversion there, I’ve been very happy to Apple Desktop my way through all of my music, porn and news. I had a couple of Mac Apps to make my life work a little better with things like sync with my Android phone and watch my iTunes through my Xbox 360. And I liked using my iPod Touch for things like music and the occasional game. But as something that I would need to be tapping at on a regular basis, the iPhone fell fucking short. Mostly it was because the screen was too small. Even on my early Android devices, I went for physical keyboards because my fucking thumbs are clumsy and stupid things.

Also, I didn’t want people to accuse me of sheep fucking or something. Because I care about that shit.

The Apple pHonepod Mark VI (or iPhone 6 for you common folk), came out with that bigger screen because competition. In fact, it came out with two bigger screens in case you have a smaller dick than the average sheep. I am lucky enough that my thumbs and dick were satisfied by the size of the regular iPhone 6. The 6 plus looked like something that would bend in my pocket. Also, in my pocket it dwarfed anything else I had down below, and made me feel inadequate.

The iPhone 6 is smaller than my old Note 2. And when I use the Note (which I do, often for stuff and things), I miss that old screen, but the regular iPhone 6 screen is just fine. The fact that I can sync music a whole lot easier is also fine. Maybe better than fine, really.

Actually, considering my Mac, while not really old, is really too old to take advantage of some of the other features the new iPhone has to offer, that’s really the main thing. Music syncing. Over wifi. That’s cool, right?

I also like that Health app. I like that a lot since my job mostly involves walking all fucking day long. 7 miles on a good, average day, according to the iPhone. A quarter mile on the average Sunday, which is my day off and to be honest, I’m surprised I walk that much on Sunday.

As a big fan of Google’s apps, I also really appreciate all the iOS apps that let me google. I can even say, “Fuck you, Siri,” and just use Google’s voice assistant. Not as easily, since I have to open that app, but it’s there for me in a way that Siri never was.

I miss the ability to add an SD card. I got the 16gb iPhone 6 because it was in stock and I am cheap. So that’s a huge downgrade in space to store things. But I might not mind so much, because a lot of that space went empty on my Android since I started using every cloud service that would have me. But the option is nice, and I can’t get as much music on my phone as I’d like. I tell people I don’t mind because how much music am I going to listen to in one day, really? And I can still take my Note 2 with me, loaded with audio books and music, if I ever have to go on a road trip or a lengthy stay somewhere that’s not home. That’s not quite a wash, due to the inconvenience, but easily manageable.

But you know what I really miss? A dedicated back button.

I know that it’s just a matter of time before I get used to the whole “double-click the home button” and close an app or select the app I want, but I’ve had a back button on my mobile phones since I finally joined the rest of you in the cellular world. Some iOS apps have a back function built in, whether it’s a clicky “back” or the ability to swipe back, but damn it, my thumb likes having the back button where god intended it. I may never stop tapping that wasted real estate on my iPhone.

When I’m due for another upgrade in a couple of years, I may go back to Android. We’ll see how many things Apple gets right in the next couple of rounds in the Phone Wars. Until then, I will bleat about how much I dig my phone, and the fact that it makes me really, really fucking cool.

Just like everyone else.

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F*#KING Fucks: Either Fucking Swear, Or Don’t.

Before I start this little rant, a caveat: Fans of sci-fi shows like Battlestar Galactica and/or Farscape are excluded targets when using words like Frak, Frell or Feldercarb.

I read an article on Blastr: “Newspaper frakkin’ bans use of frakkin’ word in place of (you know)”. In the article, it implies that Hearst is banning the word “frack” (no mention of “Frak”) from it’s comment section.

Sadly, many of our users attempt to exploit a perfectly legitimate word as a replacement for it’s more vulgar cousin.

– email from Brett Mickelson, Executive Producer Hearst Connecticut Media Group

For starters, I’d like to stress that the word that is being banned is the word involving a real topical news issue; Fracking is how we bust up the planet for more fossil fuels. So I don’t understand how a news site is going to allow conversation on that frakkin’ issue if you can’t say “frack”. More importantly, I wonder why Blastr reported it as a “nerd word” article. The word in the Colonial language is “Frak”, and may be safe to use.

But aside from possible geek ramifications, it made me think of the constant use of things like “F*#KING” or “F–K” or “@#$% you, Billy! @#$% you with a pointed stick!” Unless being used ironically, this irritates the living f*#k out of me. It’s called “grawlix” or “profanitype”, and it’s about as useful as $#it on $#ingle.

See what I did there?

When being used on the internets or someplace where you are likely to be censored, I can see it’s usefulness in avoiding automatic censoring, or that an actual human being will censor you. But in places where censorship is lax or nonexistent, like facebook, twitter, your blog etc., the idea is that you are too proper to actually swear, in which case I call bullshit on that because if you’re going to type it, it’s part of your vocal vocabulary; or that you are attempting to shield and save the rest of us from profanity in general, in which case you fucking fail.

When you say something on facebook like…

All this PBS bullshit is outta hand. Everyone is so concerned about Big Bird, What about Cookie Monster all you F*#KING RACIST!!!!!

… do you think that you have saved me from the horrors of the word “fuck”? Do you think that smaller children who can read will not ask me why you can’t spell the “f” word properly? If they don’t know the “f” word, you have also now drawn more attention to it and have forced someone to answer a question about the offending word. I guarantee you, if a kid can see the semi-censored word, then they know what it is already. You’re fooling yourself if you don’t think your kids know all the best swears already. Unless you homeschool, live in a bubble (or maybe Utah), and have no access to the outside world (cable, internet) that your kids can access.

So why use the word? To get your point across? Then fucking use it. Say, “Fuck Big Bird, Fuck Romney, Fuck Obama and Fuck You!” Say it because you mean it! That’s why you attempted to use it!

Are you afraid of offending someone? Then why fucking use it all all? Say, “To heck with Big Bird, darn Romney, a pox on Obama and I say good day, sir!”

You can’t fucking “half-swear”. Really. You fucking can’t. Either use the word like a fucker who knows what the fuck he wants to say, or be polite and don’t fucking pretend to be that guy.

For reals. I mean, at least when the geeks say “Frak Big Bird, Frell Romney, Go tsao de Obama, and Smeg you, you Gorram Belgium Drokk”, it’s because they like sci-fi and feel frakkin’ clever. As well we should.*

*If you can identify all of the sci-fi swears by their origin, leave a comment and win valuable kudos!

I guess the point of the rant is: If you don’t have the frelling nerve to actually frakkin’ use the word, please don’t pretend.

It fucking annoys me, and I am obviously the center of the fucking universe.


Addendum: WTF? is okay for geeks, people whose parents can be convinced it means something else, and teenagers. FML is for fucking teenagers only. Please stop.

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Apple Should Stop Fucking Apologizing

From Apple CEO Tim Cook:

To our customers,

At Apple, we strive to make world-class products that deliver the best experience possible to our customers. With the launch of our new Maps last week, we fell short on this commitment. We are extremely sorry for the frustration this has caused our customers and we are doing everything we can to make Maps better.

What. The. Fuck.

Steve Jobs never, ever would have apologized. Never, ever. Steve Jobs would have told you that your bitching of the iOS Maps App meant that you didn’t fucking get it and he would have told you if you didn’t appreciate some good shit, go get a porn phone and jack off instead of being part of something bigger and better.

Okay, in theory, I have no problem with a CEO or Corporate Personage apologizing for sending out a shoddy project or app. Ordinarily, I would applaud such a move. But the reason I feel that Apple shouldn’t apologize for anything is because by apologizing, they are making their highly devoted fan base look like schmucks.

On the Not the Show podcast that I host with @ohjoey (who is one of the world’s biggest Apple fans – I shit you not… this is his tattoo on the right), we discussed the release of Apple Phone 5 and I immediately attempted to destroy his good opinion of Apple by pointing out the flaws in their Maps App. And he just shook his head sadly and explained to me why the world was wrong, and how things work and how haters just be hating. Okay, it was a bit more detailed than that, but the point is, without apologizing, Joe made me think about the app in a way where it made sense and was nothing Apple should have to apologize for.

I’m not even saying he was right.

What I am saying is that his conviction and faith in Apple is such that while he will admit that the product may not be perfect at this time, that it’s a work in progress like any good app, and that perfection will be realized in good time. He pointed out that maybe they should have slapped a beta label on it, like google does for everything (and keeps on for years), but that Apple doesn’t necessarily want to do the Beta route. He made me eat my words (sort of, it’s not like I was really laying into him or Apple) and I almost felt the need to apologize for attacking Apple.

By apologizing, Tim Cook has made it possible for me and all of the other FOAF (Friends of Apple Fans) folk out there, turn back to our good buddys and say, “Hah! I was right! Apple released a shit product! No matter what you say, Tim Cook is on my side!”

Apple has such a devoted fan base that an apology for such a small issue is pointless. Apple fans everywhere have already explained to their friends what and why Apple has done something, like they do every time Apple does something that the rest of us feel tempted to call bullshit on. Apple fans are Apple’s strongest selling point. Why weaken their stand?

Tim Cook has embarrassed my good friend Joe. And that’s what he should apologize for. The phone has been out for a week. I last saw a Maps app blasting article four days ago. Why apologize now? Why do you shame my friends? Why do you make Steve Jobs rattle the Ouija App in anger? Stand your ground, tell the haters they be hating, and go ahead and refine your app and don’t make a fucking CEO official suggestion that customers should go and download Google maps. Because now you look fucking stupid. Never do that unless you mean to shame them with their choice. Like Jobs did when he told us to go get our porn from Android.

Rant done.

(Sent from my iMac and my Android phone)


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The Fucking Underwear Workforce

You can be a productive member of society and never leave your house. In fact, it seems that you’re considered more productive if you stay inside, in your underwear, forever.

Can I multitask, or what?

Living in the future, with the fucking internets at your fingertips, means never having to put on pants. Recently unemployed, I’ve found that I’m spending more and more time in my underwear. Once upon a time, you could have pointed at me and accused me of feeding off of the government tit for as long as possible, but that’s not true today. I can do everything online.

Let me make that clearer, I have to do everything online.

With few exceptions, everyplace I go to find work (and I’m not slumming yet) lets me know that they may be hiring, but they’re not sure and what I need to do is go home and log on to the website and find and apply for jobs there.

“Ok, but do you have an application I can fill out here and leave with my resume for your manager?”

Blank stare, followed by, “I think they have the internet at the library if you’re one of those poor people or technophobic or something.”

I have the fucking internets at home, thank you. So I go there, and apply for jobs. Look for jobs. Send resumes. In my boxers.

I also collect unemployment. I do that on the fucking internets as well. In my underwear! Fuck, I can do that from my phone! Once upon a time, you had to stand in line to get your check. Or use a stupid phone and make phone calls and push buttons while you were connected to a wall. By a wire. By a wire!

A couple of jobs I’ve applied for have let me know that I may be interviewed online, and ask me if I have access to a computer with skype, a web cam and a microphone. I can be interviewed in my fucking underwear! I mean, sure I’ll put on a shirt and a tie. But anything else is fair game. I may even not wear underwear if I get one of those online interviews! Why bother? The only potential problem might be if they ask me to get up and dance around. Or if the interviewer is hot.

“I’m sorry, but… why is your tie bobbing up and down like that?”

“Um… in-ter-nets?”

Like a boss!

And one of these jobs I’ve applied for is to work from home doing tech support. So again, underwear!

I could, in theory, become a very valued and productive member of society without ever putting my pants on one leg at a time. Or at all.

Shopping? There is nothing that I can not order online and have shipped to my door.

If I were a church going man, I could go to mass. Online. I get I could even order church crackers and have them transubstantiated through the power of Christ, online! Because if there is a God who can do anything at all, well let me put it like this:

Can God program a firewall that even He can not breach?

Yeah… not going to happen.

Even with family obligations, underwear is a fashion choice. I get status updates on my daughter’s school progress online. Communicate with her teachers via email (how quaint!). I talk with my family online. Sometimes, I’ll text my daughter or use facebook to tell her something from the next room! And not because I’m lazy, it’s just the best way to get her attention. And usually it’s to tell her that she’s hogging my bandwidth and should get some fucking sleep already.

And don’t start in with that health shit, either. My bedroom is big enough that I can order a treadmill and a bowflex and have them delivered. I guarantee that I can find a trainer willing to skype in and tell me to exercise. In my underwear.

So, people of the fucking internets, there is no reason to put on pants. Ever. This is your future! Live in the now! In your underwear!

Fuck. I really want to go outside now.

In my underwear.

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Fucking Facebook Games

I’ve been unemployed for a couple of months now.

It’s been stressful, and nice. Looking for a job is shitty, but having time to write has been nice. But all of the extra time has enabled me to easily get distracted by facebook.

Damn you, facebook.

I used to be one of those people who never went onto the social network. All my status updates were via twitter. People used to ask me, “Did you see that shit on facebook?” and I could proudly say, “Fuck no. Facebook is for people with nothing better to do.”

It started with that fucking Words with Friends. And I sort of liked that one. It’s like Scrabble. But in order to play competitively, I need to spend more than a minute looking for the best possible words. I don’t want to take a minute to do that. I have things to do. And I was playing with a bunch of people. Too many minutes.

Then the Bubble Monkey game. You know the one. Safari Ass Monkey Bubble or something. That one I could play alone. But Zynga, in their need to make money to cover their ridiculous IPO, makes it so that you can only play 5 rounds before you run out of “Energy”. You can buy more energy, or wait until it builds back up. Or you can buy it. I know I said that, but they seem to push you buying it. I’m not spending money on fucking bubble monkeys.

Or on building a Kingdom in CastleVille. Which is Zynga’s answer to Dungeons and Dragons. Only lamer. Because in order to get anything done, you need to either wait a long time to find what you need (using energy that again, you can wait or pay for) or beg your friends to send you the stuff you need. Again, no money from me for this shit. So, I keep going back and waiting for friends to send me shit so that I can get further into the game and need even more stuff.


Song Pop came next. And I like Song Pop more than any of the rest of them. Song Pop doesn’t require money except for power-ups, or to buy new playlists ahead of time. It’s like Name That Tune, and of them all, it’s the most fun and least frustrating. When I decide I may play something, it may well be Song Pop. But in order to play it, I need to turn off whatever I may have been listening to, and like Words, my friends play on their phones and tablets, so as soon as I think I’m out, they pull me back in. I don’t want to be that far on the ball. I have shit to do.

So, until I run out of things to do in real life, which I hope won’t happen for a while, I’m done with this social gaming shit. And this is in no way a dig at the rest of you who play. You enjoy it, that’s great. I wouldn’t have tried it if you guys weren’t having fun. Maybe you have more free time, or a boring job, or money to spend on getting energy and shit. Maybe your shit is just more together, and since I’m a slacker and underachiever, I just see it as something I can do instead of doing what I need to do.

Like write shitty blog posts about it.


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